Thursday, March 5, 2015

What Defines Us.

Writing hasn't been flowing easily like it usually does.  I'm not sure why.  It's been an up and down couple of weeks.  I call it my winter slump, but suspect it may be more than that.  I recently had some un-kindness thrown my way.  For the most part I handled it in a way I felt good about...making sure true friendships stayed true and letting go others.  I  wish it would just leave my mind, but still it lingers.  I was excluded from something because I have children.  I can't say that's ever happened.  Sure moms in general can be judgmental in your decisions...breastfeed vs. bottle-feed, spanking vs. timeouts, working mom vs. stay at home mom and on and on.  One can feel excluded because of parenting choices made, but I always feel strong in my decisions.  However, being excluded simply because I am a mom hasn't happened before.  It got me wondering, why?  I often think I am not a person defined by being a mom.  I'm still my own independent self  just with two extra people to love and take care of.  Upon further reflection I realized that thinking I'm the same person is crap.  Of course I'm different now that I've had kids.  My life is different, my outlook on the world, my attitude.  And this is a good thing.  I believe I have grown in so many ways, I have turned into the person I always wanted to be.  I think more about how I handle things because I constantly have two little girls soaking  it up.  I want them to be kind, grateful, peaceful, happy people and I get to be the one to teach them about the world.  What a responsibility.  So, of course I'm a different person.  Before I only had to be responsible for making sure the cat got fed.  As I look back on the past 10 years of parenting it's hard to remember what pre-children even looked like.  I thought about this last night as we were getting ready for evening showers and bedtime.  I couldn't recall what nights used to look like. I believe it probably went something like this- Matt and I would get home from work, have a fabulous meal of something like Hamburger Helper and then maybe watch some television and then bed.  Yea, we were pretty lame.  Not that kids made our life glamorous.  Evenings during the early parenting years were hard.   I would not-so patiently wait for Matt to get home.  Ready for a small break from holding crying babies or screaming toddlers.  Trying to get dinner ready in between kissing boo-boos and changing diapers.  Knowing there was no reprieve in sight because who knew if they would sleep that night or not.  Not glamorous by any means, but it evolved into something fulfilling.  Comfortable nights full of life and energy that couldn't be there without the girls.  Last night as I was having these thoughts I got a glimpse of how great all this adorable, naked Layla came running down the hall with my tea saying "mama you forgot your tea".  As she jumped in the shower, I smiled knowing how special this parenting thing is (and feeling grateful no hot tea was spilt on her, yowza that would have caused tears).  I don't judge anyones decision to not have children.  We all pick our paths in life for own reason.  I respect friends of mine who have picked the no kiddos plan.  Their evenings look different, but different is good.  So, yes I am defined by being a mom.  But, I'm also so much more than that.  And, since the girls have been into tween music on Taylor Swift would say..."Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, I'm just gonna shake it, shake it off".  

I'm hoping that getting that off my chest will ease the writing block I've had.  In the meantime I'll get back to what this blog was all started for and let it flow.  To keep memories of the girls childhood and our lives where we are right now.  The simple things that make me smile.  Things like a two hour lunch with my sisters and my yummy nephews, the only ones left that aren't in school...
When it comes to looking for friends who always have your back and love you know matter what, sisters are where it's at.  

Speaking of sisters, I love seeing the conversations and bonds these two have as they grow...
Walking ahead of us on a Saturday stroll...lost in their own world of make believe and what's going on with their lives.  Occasionally I overhear/eavesdrop on these chats and my heart fills with such happiness that we were able to give them the gift of each other.  Don't get  me wrong, fights are a daily occurrence around here.  But, there is always love.

Lazy weekends with nothing going on are the norm this time of year.  Before the hustle and bustle of cramming things in during the summer we have the calm of winter.  I like where they lead us.  After a hike, heading downtown, buying the kids off with hot cocoa so we can have an afternoon beer (parents of the year!) and simply enjoying being together. Even better when you give a 7 and 9 year old your phones and they begin to explore the world of selfies...

Because I'm a mom there are many things different now.  Things I do differently, stuff I don't get to do like I used to.  But I wouldn't trade it for anything in the entire world.  

Happy day to ya.  

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