Thursday, April 4, 2013

Scattered Thoughts and a Bit of Clarity.

I realized the other day how quickly the end of the school year is approaching.  Now that it is April, there is really only two months left of the year.  How quickly it has gone.  It seems like just weeks ago I was getting used to the idea of having both girls in school full time and now it seems normal.  The warm weather we've been having and end of the school year thoughts are giving me a major case of spring fever.  Speaking of warm weather, this happened one evening...

First dinner on the patio of the season.  Tuesday it was so warm outside. I uncovered the patio set, swept away the dried leave and wiped off the layer of dirt on the table.  I put it back in its rightful place...in the middle of the patio.  Ready for many summer night meals with family and friends.  It felt so good to sit out there as the sun was warming your face.  Food just tastes better when eaten al fresco, am I right?  

Anyways...back to the end of the school year.  It has gotten me thinking about this past year.  And by year I mean the school year, not 2013.  It has been a learning experience for me.  There's been a lot of soul searching on my part and I think I've floundered a bit. Suddenly going from full time mom to not having my babes around all day was a change and I really struggled to find my way through that.  In the beginning I took it as an opportunity to explore other things...maybe a different job, a new business venture...something for me since I wouldn't be chasing little kids around all day.  That's where the floundering came in.  I've felt a bit scattered.  Trying different things, some working, some not.  When something wasn't quite working, I would jump into something different...my mind always racing as to what should I try next.  Instead of moving forward with the Etsy shop stuff, should I try volunteering at a local charity in my spare time?  But, then if I start that, how will it work into summer time with the kids?  Should I look for another job where I can have more hours to contribute to the family income and make a change that way?  But, then again, how does that work into summer time and scheduling?  I feel like such a scatter brain about it all.  It's tough when you feel like you have all these thoughts and ideas, but zero follow through on them all.  I try to be gentle with myself and know it's okay to try things and not follow through, but it takes me back to the beginning of searching again to figure out what I should do.  These are the thoughts that have been scrambling through my brain recently.  And, then I suddenly found some clarity.  It came to me last night at a kick-ass yoga class and continued on my run this morning (I have all my best thoughts during yoga and running...as I've said before, it's my therapy).  Here's what I came up with-

Having both kids in school now I think I started to feel like I was losing my job as mama.  All day they are with someone else teaching them, nurturing them and watching out for them.  From 8 to 3 I am no longer needed to break up fights, get snacks ready and be the event planner of the day.  This is what I had been doing for the past 7 years and my job description suddenly changed drastically.  I began searching for something to fill that void.  It also got me thinking about the future because school is just the beginning of my babies leaving the nest.  It will only continue from here...it's like getting phased out of a job.  I think there was a part of me that began to look for something else that would fulfill me as much as motherhood because I know the time with the girls will be gone and then what will I do?  Almost like I wanted something else to feel really passionate about so as they begin to spread their wings it wouldn't feel like such a sad loss to not have them around.  It's funny because after I thought about it, I realized how similar this self-protection has been to something Ava has been doing.  Our town is getting a new elementary school and with that boundaries are changing.  The school the girls go to is overcrowded so they are pulling a bunch of students from it to the new school.  Ava has a friend who she has been close with for the last two years.  This friend will be going to the new school and suddenly Ava has been playing with a different friend.  Unfortunately we found out this friend will also be moved to the new school, and again she found a different friend.  One who lives right in our neighborhood and will not be changing schools.  I found this interesting...like she was preparing herself for the changes by dropping the friends who would be leaving and finding one close.  I get it...it's what I've been doing...preparing myself for what's changing.  I have realized this is not a good method...for Ava or for myself.  It made me remember this mamahood thing is not ending because of the girls growing independence.  Being their mom is still my most important job and instead of trying to find something else, I need to embrace it while I still have it.  I will never find something as fulfilling and instead of worrying about what I will do in the future I need to keep in mind what my job is right now and embrace it.  It may not be an all day, full time job anymore but parenting should still be on the top of my job description.  I will find my way in the future and explore many possibilities, but I need to be more content in the right now.  Taking care of my family and loving the job I asked for.  I spent my twenties searching for contentment and I finally found it the minute Ava was born and made me a mom.  I settled into that contentment for the past seven years and school rattled it.  This year has been a learning process for me and it's okay that I have been scattered and all over about it.  At the end of it all, I have found some clarity.  It's good to always think and dream about new adventures or what I may want to do, but it's okay if some things don't work.  I can stop searching for something I feel as passionate about as being a mom...it's not going to happen.  Not right now anyways, and that's okay.  I'm going remember that I currently am still employed as mom and I should rock this job for as long as I get to have it.  Later on, when it becomes more of a part time role I can figure the rest of it out.  After all, I have the best employers ever...

Working hard on a craft project. 



Phew, that was a mouthful.  A lot of thoughts floating in my head and it always is good to get them down...even if they make no sense to anyone else.  I feel better about my crazy thoughts I've been having.  And, if I start feeling scattered or confused again...I'll just go for a run.

Happy day to ya.


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