Thursday, March 22, 2012

Home from Vacation Slump...

It is the first day of spring and I feel in a bit of a funk.  It could be because this first day of spring comes with a foot of snow.  It could be because vacation is totally over and we are back in the reality of school, homework, early bedtimes, work and cleaning.  It could be because we keep chattering about moving and that kind of talk gives me all sorts of anxiety.  It could be a combination of it all, whatever it is, I've got the funk and can't seem to kick it.  Usually getting back into routine after something crazy is comforting to me…and being back in our house has been, sleeping in our own beds, eating our own food…that's all been great.  But, there is something lingering.  The snow storm we got is not helping.  To go from wearing flip flops and sundresses for a week, to back to snow boots and hats…well, that's just cruel.  Every spring is a little tough for me because I'm always ready for summer to be here long before Montana is, this just seems worse and I think its because we saw how beautiful it is in other parts of the world!  
That leads me back to the talk of moving.  That is really rocking my world.  I have been very, very content with the idea of raising our family in this wonderful little Bozeman community.  So many things we love about it…the vibrant downtown with good restaurants and things to do, safe and wonderful schools, beautiful mountains for us to play and explore in and family and friends.  I've even been good about being totally positive about the snowy winters and embrace it by getting the girls involved in ice skating and sledding and trying to enjoy it all.  Even when Matt talks of wanting to leave I could always think how happy I am here and seeing the girls thriving.  Then we had to go and have them fall in love with the ocean.  Playing on the beaches all day, going in and out of the ocean, learning to swim on their own…I got to see a different life we could have.  One that is completely different than the one we live, that I had growing up.  It is exciting, but oh so scary at the same time.  I have found now that we are home, I don't have that content feeling anymore, I have this nagging feeling of "yes, let's do it, let's go!!"  but that feeling is followed by "no, we can't do that, we can't disrupt everything these girls have known to go someplace that we don't know anything about except we like the weather better"  Oh, it is such a conflict in my head.  Part of me wishes, I could just go back to feeling totally content with our little world, but i don't feel like I can.  We've both made the decision to check into things like schools and the area and really think about our decision and we'll see what happens.  That is hard for me.  I'm good at the researching part…checking things out, looking at real estate, schools etc.  I'm bad at the emotional part…the reality of packing up this house (the only home the girls have ever had) to move someplace where we know NO ONE.  That is some scary crap.  We have had the support of family and friends since we had the girls.  If we need a babysitter, I make 1 phone call and it's done.  If we want to have dinner with friends…one call to Amy and it's "your house or ours?  usual time?"  I take such comfort in that support.  The kids don't have play dates with friends from school, they just play with their cousins every week at family dinner and that is good enough.  They seem like small things, but they are huge.  HUGE.  And, it is easy to say we'll try it for a year and we can always come back.  This is true.  We know this, because we've done this…twice.  But, we've never done it when there were two other lives involved.  Before it was just us and the cat (poor cat…she may not be able to handle another move)  This time, there is so much more involved and I find myself wishing that if we were gonna do this, why didn't we do it before???  Before kids and a dog and a fish???  However, I know that I wouldn't take back having my babies here in Bozeman…no matter where we end up, this is where we were meant to have babies and the early part of their lives.  I just wish I knew where we were supposed to end up.  I have a feeling this will be the topic of a lot of my writing over these next few weeks.  Maybe some of it will fade as the tans from our vacation do, or maybe it won't.  I think it is good to take some time to think about it once we have a little emotional distance from it.  See if the thoughts and desires to leave are still there, especially as we come into the summer months of Montana.  If we still long for the beaches when we are enjoying the beautiful summers we have here than that will be a better indicator.  Writing about it helps pull me from the funk for some reason.  Just getting the back and forth that is going on in my head out…it helps.
The girls do are doing a much better job embracing the recent snowstorm than me.  Last night they begged to go sledding and how could I say no?  We haven't had this much snow all winter, so we bundled up and headed for the snow hill and I smiled while listening to their squeals of happiness going down the hill.  The snow makes them happy, I have to remember that as well and continue to embrace what we have right now, right here.  I don't want to get lost in the thinking of the future to forget about what is happening here in our present.  I've been through Montana springs for 33 years (I had one spring in Michigan) and it is the same every year…the deep longing for summer…I can handle this one.  Especially when I have two little snow bunnies that dig it.  Happy spring.

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